Some time ago I was approached by a group of several young women, rather virulently asking me why the Church foolishly maintains its stance with regard to marriage as one inseparable, life-long lasting bond, and why it doesn’t allow divorced and remarried people to take communion. They were so agitated because their children would soon make their First Communions, but their mothers could not take Communion with them. As a man brought up single-handedly by my mum, I have a lot of sympathy and understanding for people whose marriages have irreparably fallen apart. I know it’s hardly ever an easy decision, and it’s usually a desperate one.
Modern culture wants to see itself as a force liberating people from fetters of religious and patriarchal rules. The emphasis on the freedom of personal and individual choice has brought many positive and welcome results, shaping a more equal society. There is, however, a side effect of this development; for a growing number of people, individuality turns into selfishness. There are people claiming the priority of their own rights over the rights of society as a whole – the case of the so-called ‘Naked Rambler’ is a clear example of that. In such a cultural climate the right to individual happiness seems to take absolute priority, regardless of the cost in social, financial and moral terms.
For centuries women and children were legally and socially inferior, deprived of legal protection and – when left on their own – often doomed to a miserable existence. The most vulnerable – as always – were children. Religious rules, sanctioned by God, were to protect those who couldn’t rely on human law upholding their rights; to protect them against being treated just as the property of men. The story of King Henry VIII of England shows this in a particularly interesting way.
This seemingly out-of-date, old-fashioned idea of inseparable, life-long lasting marriage, kept by the Catholic Church, still makes sense in our selfish world. It protects the most vulnerable part of our society, giving children the right to have the safe and stable environment they need to grow up in. Does it exclude their parents’ right to have their own share of happiness?
The answer is obvious, as the individual happiness of each member of the family is essential to provide a safe and stable environment. It’s a massively simplistic view; but there are two main reasons for marital problems. The first one – in chronological order – is recklessness in embarking on a new relationship, based mainly on physical, sexual attraction, without making the effort to develop profound mental and spiritual ties. The second reason for marital problems is a lack of effort from one or both sides to nurture, to strengthen and to build up their relationship, particularly after the wedding. Too many couples treat their love as something happening automatically and never changing. Both recklessness and negligence imperceptibly lead to erosion of the relationship and its disintegration. The worst affected are always children, torn between parents splitting up.
Sometimes people learn that lesson too late, when their own marriage has collapsed; remarried, they try not to repeat the same mistakes, and quite often the second marriage is a much better experience than the first one – in some ways proving what I’ve just said. Today I’d like to congratulate all those couples who have managed to stay together in their marriage. But I also have to say to those of you who have divorced – you have my deepest sympathy. And to those remarried – your effort to keep your new family together and to go forward together is highly commendable. Because, at the end, the only thing that really matters is selfless love.