Since moving in a couple of days ago, I’ve met and talked to a number of parishioners. That was a really scary experience! The level of hope, expectations and undeserved (as yet) admiration was terrifying because I know I can’t possibly fulfil those hopes, meet those expectations or match that admiration. It is so because – to paraphrase the classic quote – “I am not the Messiah, I am a very naughty boy!” I can do nothing good in this parish single-handedly. In fact, at this moment, I don’t know what – if anything – must be done. My first task is to learn about the parish and become an active and useful member of the community. To make this happen, I need your help in the spirit of today’s gospel reading.
“If your brother does something wrong…” Jesus didn’t have any illusions that there would be tensions and conflicts within the community of his followers. In fact, they are the bread and butter of every human relationship, every form of social or communal life. Our points of view, opinions, needs, expectations, desires and so on can differ and can come into conflict with someone else’s. Such differences need not be a problem; they certainly can be challenging, but without them, there would be no development, no advancement, no progress. The diversity of opinions and the clash of ideas create opportunities to reflect, see things from a different perspective, and understand contrasting perceptions.
“If your brother does something wrong, go and have it out with him alone…” We don’t like confronting people when they are in the wrong, do we? When we get angry, exasperated or irritated by someone, we talk about it to someone else; the person in question is directly addressed only when we are unable to contain our negative emotions and explode. Most often, such an outburst only leads to heated arguments; mostly, it sorts out nothing while leaving a proverbial bad taste in the mouth. Having had such incidents, we try to develop conflict-avoidance techniques. They seem to keep the lid on the growing frustrations until they don’t any longer, and the following blow-up is usually out of proportion. Then we rinse and repeat. Such outbursts are ineffective because we tend to vent our frustration rather than address the problem. In the process, we use accusatory language that instantly triggers a defensive mode in the other person’s mind. Jesus’ instruction to ”go and have it out with him alone…” indicates a planned and prepared conversation, not a random flare-up. You go into such a conversation with your arguments and opinions well thought through, based on facts and logical rather than emotional. And last but not least, an important aspect of your attitude: because it’s a conversation, you must be ready to listen to the other side and take it into consideration. In that respect, a piece of advice I heard many years ago has proved invaluable: “We have two ears and one mouth to listen twice as much as we speak.” Many a time, I have had to correct, change, or completely drop my assumptions, having listened to the other side. Dare I say it, sometimes you might even learn that you are in the wrong…
“If he listens to you, you have won back your brother.” This unassuming sentence is, in fact, the key to understanding today’s gospel. The reason for confronting others and their supposedly bad behaviour, attitudes or actions must be the individual’s well-being in the broadest sense of the word, not letting your steam out. It’s a practical application of the commandment “love your neighbour as yourself.” Such a concept isn’t a vague or nebulous one. St Paul described its attributes very clearly: “Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7) The conversation might not (and often doesn’t) immediately resolve the problem or conflict. The person in question might need time to digest what they have heard, reflect on it and make up their minds. In the process, both sides have a chance to change their mind a bit, to gain a better understanding and widen their horizons. As a result, their relationship can get stronger, deeper and more mature. It’s a win-win situation, worth the effort of going the extra mile.
Today’s gospel reading is a very important lesson on building a strong community. At its heart lies the ability to charitably confront challenging situations in order to resolve them for the greater good. This is my attitude at the start of my tenure in the parish of Inverurie. I do not believe that I know better, do better or am wiser. I do believe that there are many people in this parish who, out of their charitable concerns, can and will engage their skills and talents to build this community up. I’m happy to listen and to learn. To reinforce my resolve in that respect, today I’m wearing a T-shirt – a friend of mine presented me with a few years ago – bearing a full-frontal inscription: “I’m not always right, but I’m never wrong.”
