The rapidly expanding popularity of online services collectively known as “social media” is one of the defining moments of this century so far. Those services have dramatically changed the way we get our entertainment, consume news, improve or learn new skills, and how we communicate with others. When I started working in Scotland, talking to my poor mother one thousand miles away over the phone was so costly that effectively it was unaffordable for both of us – and both countries were then in the EU. Fifteen years later we have regular video chats that cost virtually nothing despite being long. Of course, as with practically every invention, there are many benefits to the omnipresence of social media as well as many downsides. One of the intended aims of the likes of Facebook was to help people connect as stated on the front page of the service: “Facebook helps you connect and share with the people in your life.” Initially designed to connect people who had known each other in the real world, it quickly evolved into a platform where people get to know new friends. The problem was that most users presented a biased image of themselves, namely as successful in many ways, happy and satisfied all the time. Naturally, others looked at such perfect lives, compared them to their own imperfect ones and questioned their own achievements or apparent lack of them. To make matters worse, those showing off often struggled in real life but there was nobody to talk to as it would shatter the curated illusion of permanent happiness. Nobody’s life is perfect, everyone has their own struggles and difficulties. Paradoxically, the services created with social interactions in mind alienated people and limited the means of genuine conversation.
Honest and open talking about one’s problems isn’t easy for a number of reasons. I mentioned in my previous two Sunday Lenten sermons our deeply ingrained need for seeing ourselves as good, and projecting such an image for others too. Facing our imperfections, shortcomings and mistakes is hard enough; letting others know about them is harder yet. We are afraid of judgement, condemnation, mockery, misunderstanding and a whole variety of negative reactions. Opening up to someone is a huge emotional investment that can backfire and be used against us. No need to offer any examples, most of us have had ‘friends’ who spilt our secrets or used them against us. Similar reasons apply to the third step in our Lenten series on “Five Steps to a Good Confession”: “confess your sins to a priest.” For many it’s the ultimate stumbling block; they can do the examination of conscience, and they can recognise and acknowledge the damage caused by sinful acts. But talking about all of that to a priest is a ‘no-no!’ Which is a wasted opportunity for personal advancement, development and growth in maturity as well as sorting out problems. Certainly, some people might be put off by their past disappointing or unpleasant experiences – I’ve had my own share of that when I was making confessions. In my case, I used them to learn how not to hear confessions.
Why do we need to talk to a priest in the first place? Why do we need a middleman instead of confessing our sins directly to God? Well, you actually don’t need a priestly middleman and you can speak with God directly and confess your sins. It’s possible, thanks to the Holy Spirit that lives in us, and should be encouraged – we call it prayer… However, there are a few very good reasons to talk to a priest, particularly in the sacramental context of confession. It works on many levels and although for the sake of clarity, I’m going to speak about each separately, they are closely interconnected and intertwined. If part of it sounds a bit psychological, it’s because it plays an important role.
Firstly, let’s get one thing out of the way, namely the priest. Each is obliged to keep the content of the sacramental confession secret to such an extent that for a confessor to betray in any way a penitent in words or in any manner and for any reason, the penalty for purposefully violating this law is automatic excommunication. Priests take it extremely seriously and some of them were martyred for refusing to spill the beans, like St John Nepomuk. In recent years it’s been argued that the seal of confession helped to cover up abuses and exploitation and its inviolability should be removed – but this is something I hope to touch on in the final sermon of the series. So, unlike even with the best of friends, total confidentiality is guaranteed.
A human or psychological aspect of talking about yourself to someone willing to attentively listen to you is hard to overestimate. As the old saying goes: “a problem shared is a problem halved”. Secondly, our mind has an astonishing ability to create incredibly twisted reasoning to justify our attitudes, behaviours or actions – all that in order to keep our conscience at peace. As long as such reasoning remains in the mind only, it seems very logical, coherent, integral and simply right. But when you start talking about it, quite often you can start to see cracks, inconsistencies and faults in your thinking – even without any comments from the person you talk to. In fact, quite often no comments are required. But when they are, a well-asked question can focus your mind on an aspect you have overlooked. Sometimes a dispassionate look from a person who is not involved in the matter can offer a different angle or perspective of the situation, problem or challenge. Sometimes you can get a piece of advice based on the priest’s knowledge and experience that can point you in the right direction.
So far so psycho-therapy-like. But there’s another level that, no matter how skilled a psychotherapist is, cannot be replaced. It’s the sacramental aspect and the certainty of faith that comes with it. In my career, I’ve come across a great number of people really tormented by their not-so-good past. Heavily troubled with the emotional guilt and shame, they struggled to or couldn’t cope with such a burden. This is the problem with your direct, man-to-God confession of your sins: people keep doubting whether such evil (their subjective perception) could have ever been forgiven. Here comes the certainty of faith. When the priest has given you absolution of your sins in the sacrament of reconciliation, they are forgiven and forgotten by God, no matter how or what you feel. I’ve seen many people deeply relieved of their sense of guilt when they have been made aware of this aspect of confession. It’s literally shutting the spiritual door on your past and opening up to the future. There’s a bit more to that, so stay tuned for the last two instalments on the next and following Sundays respectively.
