Although the journey was long and a bit arduous, it was worth it as the winding road weaved its way through the spectacular scenery of the Scottish Highlands and led to Lady Claire Macdonald’s establishment on the Isle of Skye. In fact, the famous cookery writer’s restaurant was the main attraction and the focal point of the trip. I had used her recipes but I wanted to taste the real thing. When my friend and I sat at the table for a five or six-course meal we faced an embarrassing array of cutlery laid in front of us with a gap in the centre left for plates. Of course, my mum had taught me table manners and how to eat with a knife and fork – we were civilised people after all – but the cutlery set in front of me was clearly there to humiliate me in public. What was I supposed to do? Well, I employed the lesson from my Scouts’ squad leader: “If there’s something you don’t know, ask and you might be embarrassed once; don’t ask and you will surely be embarrassed many times over.” As it turned out – when asked – the waitress was happy to help and taught my friend and me another life-changing skill: “Start with pieces of cutlery on the outside and gradually work through them.” Blimey! That actually made perfect sense! Armed with such knowledge, we worked our way through the meal and I can tell you, it was absolutely worth the potential embarrassment! Not to mention that it was my friend who paid the bill…
On the face of it, the event described in today’s gospel reading looks like practical advice on table manners given by Jesus to his host and fellow diners. The latter would probably use the word “impractical” considering the content of Jesus’ instruction, particularly the bit about throwing a party for “the poor, the crippled, the lame, the blind” rather than for “friends, brothers, relations or rich neighbours.” Similarly, the earlier appeal for self-restraint in a highly hierarchical society couldn’t have gone down well. However, do we need religious leaders to teach us table manners? Once a priest from my home parish travelled with my mum and they stopped at my mum’s friend’s for lunch. When the food had been laid on the table, the ever-pious priest said Grace to which the mum’s friend’s young daughter spontaneously reacted by saying: “You don’t have to pray, my mum cooks very well!” That’s fine if religious leaders teach us table manners incidentally but it shouldn’t be their main mission. Jesus, talking about manners and parties in today’s gospel, used them as his springboard to address the attitudes behind His host’s and fellow diners’ behaviour that was symptomatic of their pride and self-importance. “Everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and the man who humbles himself will be exalted.”
The need for being noticed and valued by others is deeply ingrained in us. On an evolutionary level, it’s part of the social mechanism of building the herd or tribe. Instinctively we follow the same path as our ancestors did millions of years ago. Our means can be different but the goal is the same: finding your position within the tribe. This instinct is extremely strong. History shows us that whenever communities were built on the strongest premise of equality and brotherhood they were quickly riven by rivalry, infighting and power contest, leading to the creation of a hierarchy of power and influence. It’s happened to religious and secular communities alike. One of the harshest punishments meted out is exclusion or isolation from the community; loneliness can be as devastating as a chronic illness. Whether we admit it or not, we are all desperate to have a meaningful existence. We use different strategies and means to achieve such a goal; sometimes we use them deliberately, sometimes instinctively. The latter has the disadvantage of being uncontrolled by us and consequently prone to mishaps, blunders and mistakes, occasionally with dire consequences. It’s much better to take control of the ways and means to finding the meaning of our existence. This is what Jesus addressed in today’s gospel.
The way we see ourselves is a combination of external and internal factors, a composite of other people’s opinions and our own self-esteem. They are intertwined, they dynamically feed and influence each other. The less mature we are the stronger their instant emotional impact on us. Consequently, immature people tend to have unrealistic self-esteem and on the hunt for acceptance and appreciation they can be easily swayed by people’s opinions. The modern popularity of so-called social media is fed by such cravings. Maturity is much less susceptible to external influences. People’s opinions are used as useful markers and reference points for correcting or tweaking one’s own attitudes and behaviours. Mature individuals are less likely to fall for cheap compliments or to get upset by insults and be swayed by them because they know who they are. They are sufficiently self-critical to keep their egos in check but they know their strong points too and use them to enhance their own lives and – more importantly – those of the people around them too. We recognise such people and respect them for their own merits. Why not become one of them?
Image by Gordon Johnson from Pixabay